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Uncle Lian.

I am 29 years old, an employee of a state-owned enterprise, with a car and a house, leading a very ordinary life. She is a graduate student, very understanding, study very well. I am seven years older than her, she graduated from high school we together, now has been a long-distance relationship for five years (home in a city, she went to school abroad, more than 3,000 kilometers apart, summer and winter together).

When we first got together, all the people around us felt that our two could not last long, including myself did not hold much hope. But to my surprise, we have not only rarely quarreled over the past few years, but also encouraged each other to become better versions of ourselves, and we have turned the loneliness and missing when we are not together into motivation to grow. I quit smoking and playing games, I read and write every day; she is getting better and better tempered, her study status is getting more and more focused, and last year she was bailed out from Southeast University to Fudan University for graduate school. Everyone's opinion has changed from opposition to envy and admiration. No matter how big the storm we never complain about each other, we can always work together.

However, there is currently a difficulty in front of us, I have tried many ways to deal with, but now still haunts me. Because almost 30, the family is pressing for marriage is very tight, every day listening to the urging of the mother, looking at the grandparents expectant eyes is really difficult to put themselves out of the way. In addition, I also want to have children sooner, so I hope to get married and have children with her earlier.

Originally we planned to get married after graduating from college, but the situation changed after she enrolled in graduate school. The first promised to graduate from undergraduate marriage, later changed to the study of a knot, now said this year, but on the current progress, the probability of this year or not.

I want to get married during graduate school to have a child, but on the one hand, she studied in the academic pressure, summer and winter vacations plummeted, the time together itself is very short, plus her parents opposed, external conditions are very severe; on the other hand, she does not want to tie so early, think they are not ready, do not want to set so early (her future development where I am fully supportive, I am also ready to leave home with her).

But if not now, when the time is right, she is ready. Conservative estimates, two years of graduate school plus two years of work, but also wait four years, by then I will have been thirty-three, and then married with children, is difficult for me to accept, the risks involved is also I can not afford.

A few days ago, I took advantage of the long holiday to Shanghai to find her, and talked about this matter. She said that the key is that she does not want to knot. In this regard, I understand, but also said their own ideas. I think that the matter of marriage and children for her, early has the benefits of early, late has the benefits of late, overall early and late can be. In our two this situation, I care more about the time more sensitive, theoretically should be more towards me. Just like she is busy, I try to find time to come to Shanghai to find her if I don't have time, which side is not sensitive, which side will sacrifice more. She reasoned that she could understand and wanted to do something about it, but for some reason, it was hard to do. So it is also very painful, very self-critical, very sad that they can not meet my expectations.

I think this is because although she and I have a good relationship, but because of the long absence, intimacy and passion can only be maintained in the maintenance of the basic line of affection, far from being able to make up their minds to get married. And intimacy and passion, and is a long-distance relationship difficult to solve the dilemma.

This problem I thought a lot, but also review their own anxious to get married this claim itself has no reason. Some times I think 30 really should be anxious; some times I think the relationship is so good, and then wait two or three years is not much; some times I think everything has to have a limit... Overall, I still want to do my best to manage this relationship, but very early in the morning to give themselves an ultimatum, this year can not be broken up.

The heart is very torn and tormented.

Uncle Lien, how to choose? Is it as soon as possible to give up? Or continue to find ways to communicate? Is continue to wait? Or firmly push forward to get married?

Reply


You get married at 33, she's 7 years younger than you, 26, both at the right age, don't see what's so hard to take the risk of having to struggle and suffer? Nothing. If you loved her, you simply wouldn't force her to get married when she is so young and still sprinting through graduate school.

But you do feel quite torn and tormented. This emotion comes not from love for her, but from fear. Your elders and you realize that a girl who is so good at her studies, who is slowly opening up intellectually and insightfully, you may not be good enough for her.

You are afraid of losing her. She is no longer the same high school student, then smart high school students, are still ignorant, you are 7 years older than her, in intelligence and insight crushed her. Now that she has graduated with her undergraduate degree, she is much more mature than before, and you no longer have an advantage. In Shanghai and then a few years of graduate school, to find their own direction and career, you are older, but in intelligence and insight at a disadvantage. She will be much better than you, and this is where you fear. So, you hope to hurry with marriage to bind her, a marriage immediately give birth to a child. This distracts her to energy, not to become so good, or, even if it becomes better later, it has long been your person, not so easy to leave you. Why does she not want to get married now? One is still young, the mind is still in the study and career, the second is aware of this calculation of you, she is also afraid, want to let time test you again.

People are very smart animals, sometimes there is a sixth sense, to instantly realize the true thoughts of others deep inside. Your girlfriend, again, is the more intelligent type of human being, your point of embarrassment to say out of the calculations (I said it for you today, you may not, dare not admit), she has long seen clearly. The essence of love is two good, they become good, also hope that the love of people become good. One cannot be without the other. What you are missing is not one, but two, your mind has become bad, and afraid of her to become better, completely to the opposite of love. When the essence is broken, it doesn't matter how the form changes, the result will not be love. Your top priority is to be a good person and sincerely hope that your girlfriend will progress in her studies and become a better person, so that there may be a little chance.

Have fun.

Lian Yue